"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter taller richer and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesnt work and then they get elected and prove it."
"The inherent purpose of American government is let people seek their own goals and to encourage them to be responsible on the various adventures they have on their way to those goals good bad and otherwise."
"In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents worried five of them to death impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails we hold an election and assassinate their character."
"People are always angry at America. Theyre absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans."
"No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour its probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are."
"The great thing about being a print journalist is that you are permitted to duck. Cameramen get killed while the writers are flat on the floor. A war correspondent for the BBC dedicated his memoir to 50 fallen colleagues and I guarantee you they were all taking pictures. I am only alive because I am such a chicken."
"My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If youre fortunate - and both of us are - you come from the kidding kind of Irish family."
"I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends living like starving artists and wonder Wheres the art? They werent doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do so much fun to be had... maybe I could even quit renting."
"Positive rights are the right to shelter the right to education the right to health care the right to a living wage. These things are - these are I would call them more properly political rights rather than positive rights. And they are extremely tricky because now we are dealing with things that are zero sum."
"As I get older all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of ones friends and relatives children."
"Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult which is that the size and scope of government and really the size and scope of politics in our lives has grown uncomfortable unwieldy intrusive and inefficient."
"Anyway no drug not even alcohol causes the fundamental ills of society. If were looking for the source of our troubles we shouldnt test people for drugs we should test them for stupidity ignorance greed and love of power."
"One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isnt there. It has to do with history."
"I think its been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning."