"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul began. My mind loses itself in these depths."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble finding it everywhere diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"Next time I see you remind me not to talk to you."

"Im not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas Ill never know."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"In Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"Politics doesnt make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"She got her looks from her father. Hes a plastic surgeon."

"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on I go to the library and read a good book."

"I must confess I was born at a very early age."

"I not events have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead tomorrow hasnt arrived yet. I have just one day today and Im going to be happy in it."

"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that youve got it made."

"Well Art is Art isnt it? Still on the other hand water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"Outside of a dog a book is a mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Im leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when its not raining."

"It isnt necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."